Why Your Sex Life Deserves a Vision Statement (and How to Create One)
Someone on Substack wrote in a note recently, when you’re thinking of who to write for, write for your younger self. I’m thinking about myself at the age of 27, engaged to a man who I was completely incompatible with sexually. I was caught up in the romance of engagement and marriage, all our friends were getting married, and we were in love, so it seemed like a good idea. We had sex regularly, which in my mind, meant we had a ‘good’ sex life, but the quality was never there.
I’m writing to that Bec of the early noughties, asking her to consider her sex life as part of her life’s vision. And to choose a life partner who can help her to be her true sexual self, a self that she didn’t discover until she’d been through two years of a sexless marriage and finally left her husband.
I’ve been through countless values and visioning exercises in my professional and personal life, working through what I care about, especially with my therapist. Like most people, when I thought of creating a vision for my life, I inevitably focused on my career, finances, relationship (in general terms) or family.
But what if we applied that same intentionality to one of the most intimate and transformative parts of our lives—our sex life? After tracking 3,000 orgasms in a single year (yes, you read that right!), I realised that I’d inadvertently expanded my own vision of what a great sex life could be. And let me tell you—it was a total breakthrough, not just for me, but for my relationship.
Just like a mission statement can transform a business, having a vision for your intimate life can be a powerful foundation. It creates clarity around your desires, strengthens your connection with your partner(s), and ultimately brings more joy, satisfaction, and love into your life.
The Beginnings of My Vision for My Sex Life
The genesis of my sex life vision came during “The Summer of Rebecca,” as my girlfriends still refer to those hot months during the Southern Hemisphere’s summer of late 2016 and early 2017. I’d left my marriage on one Thursday in September, and my friends had got me set up on Tinder by Friday afternoon.
Dozens of dates and handfuls of sexual encounters later, I had had some of the most delightful and heady sexual experiences of my life. I’d tried just about everything two consenting adults can do with each other sexually, and a couple of times with more than two! After feeling so unloved and unattractive in my marriage, it was affirming to be desired by men and to discover all the pleasure that was available to me as a single woman in her early forties.
I kept seeing my therapist to help process the trauma of my marriage and to prepare myself for what was to come. When I talked about wanting to eventually be in a relationship, she suggested that I envision three things:
1. what things I wanted to seek out in a man;
2. what my ideal relationship looked like, including my sex life; and
3. how I wanted to be within that relationship – what kind of partner did I want to be?
I still have the notes on my phone that outlined my checklists. The vision for my future sex life included adventure, novelty, quality and quantity, but the ideas weren’t fully developed until I met my current partner.
Why Create a Vision for Your Sex Life?
In the early days of my relationship with V, we talked at length about what was important to each of us sexually. I conveyed to him my desire for adventure, novelty, quantity and quality. It wasn’t until 18 months later, when I’d tracked my way to those 3000 orgasms in a year that the vision became clearer. As I began analysing the data, I realised that having a great sex life meant more than just “good times.” I wanted a sex life that was joyful, exploratory, deeply connecting—and sustainable in the long run. Creating a vision for my sex life helped V and me shift from just “going with the flow” to intentionally building a deeply fulfilling and dynamic intimate life.
Here’s how a vision can help transform your own relationship: