How to Find Your Soulmate
If there’s one thing I’ve learned through my journey with love, it’s that finding your soulmate is less about destiny and more about effort, personal growth, and being in the right place mentally. For a long time, I believed in the idea of a soulmate—the perfect person waiting out there to complete me. I bought into the romance we see in every TV show or movie, where love happens magically, effortlessly. But real life is rarely like that. In fact, the soulmate myth often sets us up for disappointment, creating unrealistic expectations that can get in the way of genuine connections.
During my first marriage, I was convinced I’d found my soulmate. I thought he was my ideal partner, the person I’d spend the rest of my life with. But as our relationship hit challenges—and eventually became a sexless marriage—I started doubting whether he was the love of my life. Looking back, I can see now that I’d fallen into the trap of expecting everything to be perfect. I believed that true love should be easy, that if he were my soulmate, we wouldn’t have to work so hard to connect. I wish I’d known then what I know now: soulmates aren’t found by luck or fate. They’re built through shared experiences, effort, and mutual respect.
The Myth of the Soulmate
The idea of a soulmate—a perfect partner destined to complete us—has been a cornerstone of romantic belief for centuries. It goes all the way back to Plato’s Symposium, where he describes humans as originally being four-armed, four-legged creatures with two faces. According to the myth, the gods split us in two, leaving each of us yearning to find our other half. Modern romantic comedies feed into this idea, portraying love as a magical encounter with “The One.”
While this notion of a singular soul partner is comforting, it comes with its own set of challenges. The soulmate myth can lead us to expect too much from our romantic partner, fostering disappointment when they don’t meet every need or desire. It can also encourage passivity—waiting for the right person to find us, rather than putting in the effort to connect. In my own life, I spent too much time hoping the universe would align, rather than focusing on the things I could control.
Rethinking Soulmates: Building, Not Finding, True Love
The truth is, meaningful soulmate relationships aren’t about meeting a perfect person who fits into every part of your life effortlessly. Instead, it’s about finding someone whose goals and values align with yours, someone willing to grow with you through life’s ups and downs. Your soulmate might not tick every box or fit the image you had in your head of the perfect mate—and that’s okay.
I’ve come to realise that love isn’t just a feeling—it’s something we create. It takes effort, compromise, and personal development. The idea of a “right person” isn’t about perfection; it’s about finding someone who is right for you in the present moment, on your current life path. When we let go of the need for perfection, we open ourselves up to real connections with people who could become soulmates over time.
Soulmates Come in Different Forms
Another important thing I’ve learned is that there are many types of soulmates. We often think of a romantic soulmate as the person we’ll share our whole life with, but soul partners can also show up in other ways. A best friend, a mentor, or even a family member can be a type of soulmate who helps us grow and evolve. Sometimes, these connections teach us more about ourselves than any romantic relationship ever could.
There are also twin flames—relationships where the other person mirrors your strengths and flaws, forcing you to confront the things you need to work on. While these relationships can be intense, they aren’t always meant to last forever. Not every soulmate connection is about romantic love; some are about helping you become the best version of yourself.
How to Attract the Right Partner
If you want to find a romantic soulmate, it’s essential to focus on personal growth. I’ve discovered that working on my own soul, shedding negative thoughts, and stepping out of my comfort zone were key to building healthy relationships. The law of attraction suggests that we attract people who align with our energy. If we want to attract positive, loving relationships, we need to cultivate that same positive energy within ourselves.
After my failed relationship, I found myself carrying a lot of negative emotions. I kept replaying old arguments, stuck in negative self-talk about what I could have done differently. It took time to let go of those emotions and replace them with positive thoughts. As I started to focus on personal development—pursuing new experiences, meeting new people, and building a life I was proud of—I began to attract better connections.
A great way to meet the right person is by expanding your social circle. It doesn’t always have to be through the dating scene—try joining a book club, taking a class, or spending time in places that align with your interests, whether that’s a coffee shop or a hiking trail. The right places are often where you feel most comfortable being yourself. And don’t underestimate the power of blind dates—sometimes, the love of your life appears when you least expect it.
The Importance of Mutual Respect and Shared Goals
In my experience, a good relationship is built on mutual respect, shared values, and compatible life goals. One of the biggest mistakes I made in past relationships was ignoring the big stuff—those important things that really matter in the long run. It’s easy to get swept up in chemistry and attraction, but without shared values, even the most passionate relationship will struggle over time.
When I met my current partner, I knew early on that we had different love languages, but our core values were aligned. We both valued honesty, personal growth, and family. It wasn’t about finding someone who was perfect—it was about finding someone whose life path complemented mine. That alignment made all the difference.
Patience, Openness, and Letting Go of Pressure
One of the most important things I’ve learned is to be patient. Finding a life partner takes time, and the pressure to find the perfect person can be overwhelming. After my divorce, I often felt anxious about whether I’d ever meet the right person. But the best ways to build meaningful relationships are to let go of that pressure and stay open to new experiences.
I also realised that negative thoughts about being alone or choosing the wrong person weren’t helping me. Once I stopped fixating on the idea of finding the perfect partner, I started enjoying the process of meeting new people. Every new relationship—whether it was a short romance, a good friend, or a potential life partner—taught me something valuable about myself.
Final Thoughts: Redefining Your Soulmate
If there’s one thing I want you to take away from my experience, it’s this: your soulmate isn’t a perfect person waiting to complete you. A true soulmate is someone who grows with you, supports your dreams, and helps you become the best version of yourself. They’re not someone you find—they’re someone you build a relationship with through love, respect, and shared experiences.
The status of your relationship right now doesn’t define your future. Whether you’re currently single, in a new relationship, or working through challenges with a partner, there’s always room for growth and connection. The most important thing is to stay open, keep learning, and trust that love will come at the right time. Because in the end, finding your soulmate is less about fate and more about becoming the kind of person who attracts the love you deserve.
Read more about finding your soulmate in my book, The Soulmate Equation: The Ultimate Formula for Finding, Dating and Keeping a Quality Man. Available now on Amazon.